New Year, New Me crap

This year, I did not make any new year's resolutions. Ultimately, they really aren't what I want for myself, just what I think I should want for myself. I should want to lose weight, I should want to work out more, I should want to get healthier. But I realized something. Those things don't really rank that high on my scales this year. I want to be happy this year. This means doing more things that interests me. Going to more wine tastings, seeing more independent films, watching more anime, knitting every day, finishing school, re-evaluating some not so healthy relationships.
The last one is a biggie, Because what I have discovered is that by re-evaluating these relationships (or this relationship) I have to admit to myself that I have been a silly, silly girl. So much of my self worth has been tied to forces outside of myself. How is that suppose to work? My value was based on their perception of me. I can give you a perfect example. I had created a point system in my mind. 100 points meant I was the perfect person to be with. Every morning I opened my eyes I automatically lost 10 points if I didn't go to the gym. So, my feet hasn't touched the floor and I am already at 90 points. Five points if my house wasn't show room ready. 2 points if I just didn't feel like curling hair or wearing the sexy underwear. I am already at 83 points before I even leave the house and interact with anyone. So you can just imagine how my day goes from there. Every thing that I do wrong or what I conceive as wrong deducts points. By the end of the day, I am always pointless. No matter what I do. Ate a salad at lunch, plus 5 points! Was starving by 3pm and ate a bag of chips, minus 7 points. I had convinced myself that if I was a perfect 100 then the cheating would stop, the neglect would end, and I once again would be the most important person in their life. See? Silly, silly girl.
So this is a system that I devised on my own as a defense mechanism. It was easier (and still is) to blame me than to find fault in them. Because, they are my everything. Without them, I am nothing. No devout person practiced their faith harder than I worshiped them. My sun rose and set in them and I was not ready to see that they did not deserve it...because if I admitted that, then I would have to face the fact of all the time and energy that was wasted.
The hardest part is understanding that love does not conquer all. I still love them. I love them fiercely. This person loves me back, there is no question about that. The problem comes in the fact that so much time has been spent in their shadow, smiling and nodding, when I should have been screaming and stomping. I never once said I wasn't okay with this. I never said I was unhappy. I never said this is unacceptable. I always said, I understand, you are young. I understand, we are not married. I understand, it is who you are. And they grew on my unconditional love. They thrived on it. They feed on it. Even as I shriveled from malnutrition and neglect, I continue to dig deep to give them what they needed to shine. I started to feed on myself because I was not getting any outside nourishment. My pain and suffering became the fuel on which I ran. I was getting smaller and smaller (not physically, mind you, that was getting bigger and bigger). I had reverted so far into myself I almost couldn't see my way out.
There was only one other time in my life that I felt this kind of despair. It was during my high school career. I never felt I belong. I was an outcast to the outcasts. The birth of my daughter was the light I reached for. Yes, I had her young but she came at the perfect time for me. And guess what, they helped give her to me. So I can't hate them without hating half of her. And I can never hate any of her. She is my rock.
But as all children do, she will be leaving the nest soon. So how do I keep from losing myself this time? What can I do? I picked up two sticks and some string. I learned how to loop this string round these sticks. I learned to create order out of chaos.
My daughter saved my life as a teenager and knitting has saved my life as an adult. I have a mission that is not tied to them but tied to me. This is my creation alone. I taught myself using resources available to me. Yes, it is a skill that separates me from most of society but it has included me in a group of the most compassionate set of people I have every met in my life.Once again, I am an outcast but the difference is that this time I don't really mind.  I found myself, first leaning, then stepping out of the shadow. It can be very scary in the sun. It is so bright and all of your faults can be on display but the light also touches so many beautiful things. I get excited about things not related to them. I have the confidence to try new things. If I can complete a scarf using the herringbone stitch, I can go to the wine tasting with friends without checking in. If I can complete a provisional cast on, then I can say no to going out when I'm clearly the last option instead of first choice. If I can complete a sweater that fits, then I can enjoy watching a movie of my choice alone.
The journey for me is far far far from over. I have no earthly idea how it is going to end or where it is going to end. I will have many set backs in my journey. But I have gotten pretty good at tinking back and trying again or frogging the whole damn thing when it's just not working for me. As long as I have my two sticks and some string, I will give it a go.
Maybe this whole new year new me isn't crap after all.

Just knit

This past few days have been a trying time for me and my family. We gather around to say goodbye to the head of our close knit family. Everyone deals different. Me? I just knit. There is something soothing in the click of the metal needles. Slowly watching two sticks and some string create something that can be used for life. It is kinda like a family. So many different strands are knit together to create a fabric stronger as a whole than separate. Of course my heart is breaking. My soul is crying. But. I just knit. Each tear drop that falls and is absorb into the yarn tells another part of the story. It makes the wool felt with makes it stronger. It tells us that tears are what makes us stronger. Family members that haven't spoken to each other in years share words of comfort. Even as she is leaving us, she is knitting is closer together. So I will continue to knit creating fabrics and items with love and kindness. I can tangible piece of my heart on to my love ones. Peole look at me strange and probably ask how can she just sit there and knit. But as the Catholics finds solace in the feel of a well used rosay, I find solace in a simple pattern. So as my heart breaks, I just knit.

Comforts of home.

Last night, I was sitting in my favorite corner of my living room. I had a great book about knitting in my hands and a cup of hot spiced apple cider (which I partake in year round). I glanced up from my novel and noticed my 17 year old daughter sitting in her favorite corner, wrapped in a blanket reading. The tv was on but just providing some background noise. I love the fact that we are comfortable enough with each other that no conversation is needed. But still it flows easily when we to talk. I will remember these times as she goes out in the big world all alone.

My summer plans

My daughter is leaving for summer camp in a few weeks. This is the second time that she has left me for almost an entire summer. Last summer, I did not know what to do with the time that I had on my hands. I just kind of piddled. Well, this summer, I have a plan. I was telling my boyfriend how I like to read books and write a little blurb about them and place them in the kitchen at work for others to enjoy. He suggested that I start an online blog (which is kind of redundant, but bless his heart, he was trying!) to spread the word about my latest reads.

So the thing is, I will read anything. If the story captures my attention in the first few chapters, I will read it. I will become engrossed with the characters, I may forget that they aren't really real people. So this summer, since its going to be just me, I decided to keep track of all the books that I have read and what I think about them.

Now, I am on a very strict budget, so I find lots of books at thrift stores, yard sales, and at my local library. I tend to walk past the new releases and head into the stacks and look for lost gems. My local library has been giving away tons of gently used and not so gently used books as they update their selections. This has been a gold mine for me. I currently have at least ten books just riding around in my car waiting to be read. So the books I review here will probably not be on the New York Times Best seller list. If they are, it was probably 10 years ago. But that's okay because a good story never dies.

The last book I finished was The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

This is a beautiful story. It is the story of Dinah from the Bible told by Dinah from her point of view. It is the story of her growing up in the women's tents with her mother and her "mother aunts". Although, it is a story based on Biblical characters, it is a fiction. Anita Diamant does a tremendous job of transporting me to the fields near Jacob watching his sheep. We watch Jacob's life unfold through the eyes of his wives. We are shown how Biblical women led their everyday lives. I was especially interested to read about them spinning wool while they spun stories for their favorite daughter Dinah. Dinah's life was not all fields of green. The tragedy that she faced caused me to put the book down for about two hours just so I could deal with it! 

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone. Especially anyone who enjoys historical fiction. The characters are very real and I will miss them all as I turned the last page. 

My next book is Knitting A Novel by Anne Bartlett. I actually have four books checked out from the library that have knitting as a theme. So please check back again!

Just a peak!!

My name is Nicole. I am a 35 year old single mom to a great 17 year old daughter who just so happens to be my best friend. I love to read, love movies, and love to knit. I am an adult living with ADD and sometimes I feel it gets the best of me. I decided that to start a blog after having to start one for an on line class I am taking for school. Usually, I start the new year with a new journal and new pen with the hopes of documenting the days of my life. I never get very far. I was big on keeping a journal when I was younger. I look back at all those pages now and laugh at how hard I thought life was. I want to keep recording my memories but time just gets away from me. By the end of the day, I could care less about pulling out my trusty journal and write all my troubles away. Since I constantly have some sort of device in my hand, I thought this would be a good idea. We will see.