This year, I did not make any new year's resolutions. Ultimately, they really aren't what I want for myself, just what I think I should want for myself. I should want to lose weight, I should want to work out more, I should want to get healthier. But I realized something. Those things don't really rank that high on my scales this year. I want to be happy this year. This means doing more things that interests me. Going to more wine tastings, seeing more independent films, watching more anime, knitting every day, finishing school, re-evaluating some not so healthy relationships.
The last one is a biggie, Because what I have discovered is that by re-evaluating these relationships (or this relationship) I have to admit to myself that I have been a silly, silly girl. So much of my self worth has been tied to forces outside of myself. How is that suppose to work? My value was based on their perception of me. I can give you a perfect example. I had created a point system in my mind. 100 points meant I was the perfect person to be with. Every morning I opened my eyes I automatically lost 10 points if I didn't go to the gym. So, my feet hasn't touched the floor and I am already at 90 points. Five points if my house wasn't show room ready. 2 points if I just didn't feel like curling hair or wearing the sexy underwear. I am already at 83 points before I even leave the house and interact with anyone. So you can just imagine how my day goes from there. Every thing that I do wrong or what I conceive as wrong deducts points. By the end of the day, I am always pointless. No matter what I do. Ate a salad at lunch, plus 5 points! Was starving by 3pm and ate a bag of chips, minus 7 points. I had convinced myself that if I was a perfect 100 then the cheating would stop, the neglect would end, and I once again would be the most important person in their life. See? Silly, silly girl.
So this is a system that I devised on my own as a defense mechanism. It was easier (and still is) to blame me than to find fault in them. Because, they are my everything. Without them, I am nothing. No devout person practiced their faith harder than I worshiped them. My sun rose and set in them and I was not ready to see that they did not deserve it...because if I admitted that, then I would have to face the fact of all the time and energy that was wasted.
The hardest part is understanding that love does not conquer all. I still love them. I love them fiercely. This person loves me back, there is no question about that. The problem comes in the fact that so much time has been spent in their shadow, smiling and nodding, when I should have been screaming and stomping. I never once said I wasn't okay with this. I never said I was unhappy. I never said this is unacceptable. I always said, I understand, you are young. I understand, we are not married. I understand, it is who you are. And they grew on my unconditional love. They thrived on it. They feed on it. Even as I shriveled from malnutrition and neglect, I continue to dig deep to give them what they needed to shine. I started to feed on myself because I was not getting any outside nourishment. My pain and suffering became the fuel on which I ran. I was getting smaller and smaller (not physically, mind you, that was getting bigger and bigger). I had reverted so far into myself I almost couldn't see my way out.
There was only one other time in my life that I felt this kind of despair. It was during my high school career. I never felt I belong. I was an outcast to the outcasts. The birth of my daughter was the light I reached for. Yes, I had her young but she came at the perfect time for me. And guess what, they helped give her to me. So I can't hate them without hating half of her. And I can never hate any of her. She is my rock.
But as all children do, she will be leaving the nest soon. So how do I keep from losing myself this time? What can I do? I picked up two sticks and some string. I learned how to loop this string round these sticks. I learned to create order out of chaos.
My daughter saved my life as a teenager and knitting has saved my life as an adult. I have a mission that is not tied to them but tied to me. This is my creation alone. I taught myself using resources available to me. Yes, it is a skill that separates me from most of society but it has included me in a group of the most compassionate set of people I have every met in my life.Once again, I am an outcast but the difference is that this time I don't really mind. I found myself, first leaning, then stepping out of the shadow. It can be very scary in the sun. It is so bright and all of your faults can be on display but the light also touches so many beautiful things. I get excited about things not related to them. I have the confidence to try new things. If I can complete a scarf using the herringbone stitch, I can go to the wine tasting with friends without checking in. If I can complete a provisional cast on, then I can say no to going out when I'm clearly the last option instead of first choice. If I can complete a sweater that fits, then I can enjoy watching a movie of my choice alone.
The journey for me is far far far from over. I have no earthly idea how it is going to end or where it is going to end. I will have many set backs in my journey. But I have gotten pretty good at tinking back and trying again or frogging the whole damn thing when it's just not working for me. As long as I have my two sticks and some string, I will give it a go.
Maybe this whole new year new me isn't crap after all.
